The Dumbest Girl in My Training Class

I am a new hire at a support call center. There is a wide range of people in my training class, from quite smart to not so much. One individual, however, is a shining beacon of dumb. These are her quotes.
  • "Mongolian grill… it’s not Thai food.  I don’t know where it’s from."
  • "You can’t go under a freeway."
  • "I had some great calls.  Then a had a sarcastic great call.  I wanted to shoot him in the face."
  • Her: “What does ‘B2B’ mean?”
    Another trainee: “Business to business.”
    Her: “Oh, I thought back to school.”
  • "It sounds like ‘Star Trek the Next Enterprise.’"
  • "The way I always remember is: ‘Star Wars’ has the white people, ‘Star Trek’ has pointy ears."
  • Our center announced a school supplies donation collection drive.
    "School supplies drive? School isn’t even out yet!"
  • "If I was made of bubble gum I’d be happy."
  • "I like raccoons when they’re crossing the street because they’re faster than cats."

International Features Day Was Predictably Prolific

  • "My brother is super smart.  He watches ‘Jeopardy!’ all the time."
  • "He worked for the city of Maryland."
  • She related a story about an African acquaintance of hers making fresh, homemade stock for a stew:
    "You’re in America.  You don’t have to make that anymore."
  • She looked at a map, possibly for the first time:
    "Egypt is in Africa?  Morocco is in Africa?  So, if you’re from Egypt, you’re African?  I knew the Dominican Republic was in Africa."
  • "Just because you love dolphins you shouldn’t live with them because you’ll drowned (sic)."
  • "Where’s Scotland?  It SOUNDS like it would be in Europe."
  • "Where’s… PAIR-ah-gooey?"
  • "All babies do is sleep.  I don’t know why people complain."
  • "I would never work for free, unless it was volunteering."
  • "Russell Simmons is the runningback for the Seahawks."
  • "Sometimes I wonder if I am right for this job."

It Was a Slow Day

  • Trainer: “So, you’re all going to be looking at an actual bill…”
    Her: “Aargh!  Jesus, no!”
  • Another trainee was referencing a general manager’s comments about the company dress code:
    Other trainee: “I think it’s funny that she says the dress code is not meant to promote conformity.  Conformity is the exact reason for a dress code in the first place.”
    Her: “I don’t know what that word means.  Con-form-i-ty?”
    Other trainee: “Use your context clues.”
  • "You can talk to me.  I can talk to poor people."

A New Contender Emerges.

First, a couple from our hero:

  • "Wait, you can’t tell if someone’s phone is on with a pee test, can you?"
  • "Ooooh! There’s terabytes!?"

I have long known that Dumb Girl isn’t likely the absolute dumbest person in the training class.  Her lack of brain-mouth filtering simply leads to some spectacularly poorly conceived comments.  Others occasionally challenge her idiotic reign:

  • Other dummy:
    "A PENTAGON IS NOT A SHAPE!!"
  • "Our devices ship in two days right? People will call in and see where their order is!? Geez, that’s impatient!"
  • "One thing this class isn’t is, is helpful."
  • In a prior training class, it was revealed via a survey of the trainees that our trainer has been texting during the class:
    "Why is your class tattletaling?  Are they five?"
  • Another trainee gave an example of a way to positively spin the features of one of our products:
    "He just sold me, and I don’t even want one!"
  • "You went to bat for us, then you beat her with the bat."
  • A training example arbitrarily assigned first names to the customer and agent in the example:
    "Why are they Brian and Brent? Why can’t they be Brent and Ryan?"
  • Her: "We had a customer call in and do the (code used to activate our company’s devices)…”
    Trainer: "It’s (a different code).”
    Her: "Yeah, whatever."
    Trainer: “It’s (XXX) for device activation.  You are going to need to know that.”
  • Her: “I would just tell them it’s FDA-approved.”
    Trainer: “Our products are FCC-approved.”
    Her: “Yeah, but anyone will believe you if you tell them it’s FDA-approved.”
  • "Supervisor, I can’t take this call! The customer is me!"
  • On device insurance policies and warranties:
    "I know them all.  I mean, I have used them.  I break devices a lot."
  • "So I don’t know if this is a stupid question or not…"
  • Her: "We had to transfer three calls in a row!  I would cry if I had to transfer three calls in a row."
    Trainer: "It’s really not that bad."
  • "If you live in Washington or Maine you should have access to fresh lobster at all times."
  • "I feel so bad for the customers that call me."
  • "It’s easy once you get it."