- "Mongolian grill… it’s not Thai food. I don’t know where it’s from."
- "You can’t go under a freeway."
- "I had some great calls. Then a had a sarcastic great call. I wanted to shoot him in the face."
- Her: “What does ‘B2B’ mean?”
Another trainee: “Business to business.”
Her: “Oh, I thought back to school.”
- "It sounds like ‘Star Trek the Next Enterprise.’"
- "The way I always remember is: ‘Star Wars’ has the white people, ‘Star Trek’ has pointy ears."
- Our center announced a school supplies donation collection drive.
"School supplies drive? School isn’t even out yet!"
- "If I was made of bubble gum I’d be happy."
- "I like raccoons when they’re crossing the street because they’re faster than cats."
- "My brother is super smart. He watches ‘Jeopardy!’ all the time."
- "He worked for the city of Maryland."
- She related a story about an African acquaintance of hers making fresh, homemade stock for a stew:
"You’re in America. You don’t have to make that anymore."
- She looked at a map, possibly for the first time:
"Egypt is in Africa? Morocco is in Africa? So, if you’re from Egypt, you’re African? I knew the Dominican Republic was in Africa."
- "Just because you love dolphins you shouldn’t live with them because you’ll drowned (sic)."
- "Where’s Scotland? It SOUNDS like it would be in Europe."
- "Where’s… PAIR-ah-gooey?"
- "All babies do is sleep. I don’t know why people complain."
- "I would never work for free, unless it was volunteering."
- "Russell Simmons is the runningback for the Seahawks."
- "Sometimes I wonder if I am right for this job."
- Trainer: “So, you’re all going to be looking at an actual bill…”
Her: “Aargh! Jesus, no!”
- Another trainee was referencing a general manager’s comments about the company dress code:
Other trainee: “I think it’s funny that she says the dress code is not meant to promote conformity. Conformity is the exact reason for a dress code in the first place.”
Her: “I don’t know what that word means. Con-form-i-ty?”
Other trainee: “Use your context clues.”
- "You can talk to me. I can talk to poor people."
First, a couple from our hero:
- "Wait, you can’t tell if someone’s phone is on with a pee test, can you?"
- "Ooooh! There’s terabytes!?"
I have long known that Dumb Girl isn’t likely the absolute dumbest person in the training class. Her lack of brain-mouth filtering simply leads to some spectacularly poorly conceived comments. Others occasionally challenge her idiotic reign:
- Other dummy:
"A PENTAGON IS NOT A SHAPE!!"
- "Our devices ship in two days right? People will call in and see where their order is!? Geez, that’s impatient!"
- "One thing this class isn’t is, is helpful."
- In a prior training class, it was revealed via a survey of the trainees that our trainer has been texting during the class:
"Why is your class tattletaling? Are they five?"
- Another trainee gave an example of a way to positively spin the features of one of our products:
"He just sold me, and I don’t even want one!"
- "You went to bat for us, then you beat her with the bat."
- A training example arbitrarily assigned first names to the customer and agent in the example:
"Why are they Brian and Brent? Why can’t they be Brent and Ryan?"
- Her: "We had a customer call in and do the (code used to activate our company’s devices)…”
Trainer: "It’s (a different code).”
Her: "Yeah, whatever."
Trainer: “It’s (XXX) for device activation. You are going to need to know that.”
- Her: “I would just tell them it’s FDA-approved.”
Trainer: “Our products are FCC-approved.”
Her: “Yeah, but anyone will believe you if you tell them it’s FDA-approved.”
- "Supervisor, I can’t take this call! The customer is me!"
- On device insurance policies and warranties:
"I know them all. I mean, I have used them. I break devices a lot."
- "So I don’t know if this is a stupid question or not…"
- Her: "We had to transfer three calls in a row! I would cry if I had to transfer three calls in a row."
Trainer: "It’s really not that bad."
- "If you live in Washington or Maine you should have access to fresh lobster at all times."
- "I feel so bad for the customers that call me."
- "It’s easy once you get it."